Is Your Change Coming From Love or Self-Hate?
Self-optimisation is all the rage.
Our Instagram feeds are full of advice on how to live life to express our fullest potential and be a better person.
But how can you tell whether your efforts to change a given behaviour is rooted in love, or in self-hatred?
First of all, let’s get clear on what reasons we might have to want to be a “better person”.
Because we want to contribute to the wellbeing of our loved ones and enjoy more harmonious relationships
Because we believe that we aren’t good enough
These two motivations for growth are opposite.
The first is an expression of love, and the second is self-hatred in disguise.
As we navigate this path of building a business and making changes, it's crucial to examine the emotional underpinning of our efforts.
Are they rooted in love or self-hatred? Knowing the difference is pivotal for long-lasting, meaningful change.
The Telltale Signs of Self-Hatred in Behaviour Change
If making a change feels really hard and you're always mad at yourself when things don't go right, it might be coming from self-hate.
The drive to change can sometimes be hard and effortful, riddled with inner criticism and an unforgiving narrative.
If you find yourself continually beating yourself up for perceived failures, or needing external validation for perceived success, there's a good chance your attempts at changing behavior are based on self-hatred.
The Pitfalls
- Stagnation: When you operate from a place of self-hatred, you're more likely to get stuck, unable to make meaningful progress.
- Burnout: The constant effort to "prove yourself" can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion.
- Low Self-Regard: Any "failures" serve as evidence to fuel your already low self-view, forming a vicious cycle.
Problems With This
- You Get Stuck: When you don't like yourself, it's easy to stop trying to change.
- You Get Tired: Trying to be "good enough" all the time makes you worn out.
- You Feel Bad About Yourself: Every time something goes wrong, you feel even worse.
The Loving Approach to Behaviour Change
If making a change feels good and you're not worried about making mistakes, it's probably coming from love.
If you feel nourished by the process, if you can engage in self-reflection without judgment, and if you don't tie your worth to the outcomes, you're probably rooted in love.
The Benefits
- Sustainability: Changes made from a place of love are more likely to stick because they don’t feel like a chore.
- Intrinsic Motivation: You’re driven by an inner sense of purpose, not external validation.
- Self-Compassion: Even when things don’t go as planned, you offer yourself grace, learning from the experience rather than punishing yourself for it.
Good Things About This
- The Change Lasts: When you do things from love, you keep doing them because they feel great.
- You Want to Do It: You're doing it for the deeper satisfaction of inner motivation.
- You're Kind to Yourself: Even when things don't go well, you're kind to yourself and learn from it.
Strategies to Root Your Change in Love
1. Self-Awareness / tattva-bhāvana: Take time to check-in with your emotional state. What are you truly feeling? Acknowledge it without judgment.
2. Affirmation Over Criticism / shuddha-vikalpa: Replace self-critical thoughts with kind expressions whenever possible. Say, "I trust the process."
3. Shift Your Metrics: Rather than measuring success or failure, assess your growth in terms of learning and enjoyment. Create games and quests for yourself.
4. Seek Inner Validation: Look within for validation. Are you content and fulfilled by the change process, irrespective of external approval? Remember that you are the universe in ecstatic motion.
5. Consult your Inner Compass / pratibhā: Before making decisions, remember that your innate brilliance is intuitive. Your creative genius has the capacity to shine forth, towards that which will bring you in the aligned direction.
By making these conscious shifts, you empower yourself to make changes that are not only meaningful but also enduring. Remember, the ultimate goal is not just to change, but to develop in a manner that enriches your life and nourishes your soul. Choose love as your cornerstone, and watch how transformation unfurls more naturally and graciously.